Some of you may have already seen this post on my adoption blog or via my Love Roots facebook page, but in case you hadn’t, I wanted to share here. As I said in my FB post, I don’t care much to keep my business too separate from my personal life…and to be honest, I really can’t. This business is an extension of who I am… so it only feels right to keep you all in the loop. We’ve gone through another heart-breaking failed adoption (this happened in November right before the holidays). So I have been harder to get ahold of. I’ve been struggling to keep my head up with everything and I haven’t been able to take on as many shoots because of all of this. I don’t know what the next few months hold, but I know it is going to take some time for me to move forward. I don’t share this to bring anyone down… just to be honest and authentic, which is sometimes painful and not pretty – but it’s real. If you care to know more, read on.
I know my last adoption blog post was still a bit ambiguous, because at that time we didn’t know anything for sure about what happened to the babies. And even now, I’m not sure that we know for sure.… but we have a conclusion from the detectives.
For nearly five months.
Everything we had believed and trusted was false. The hope of adopting twin baby boys by Christmas. The sonograms, the baby bump, the gifts she gave us for “the boys”. It’s still astonishing to us that someone would deliberately deceive another person (or in our case, many people) into believing something so important, so life-changing. I still feel like it was all just a really bad dream. Unfortunately, a bad dream that left us with a $7950 loss, hours upon hours of (now useless) paperwork, background checks, home-study updates, phone calls, e-mails, fund-raising, and emotional energy. It all seems lost.
He promises that with Him, nothing is lost. He promises to those who love him, that He is the repairer of broken walls, that he brings beauty from ashes and makes ALL THINGS new. Honestly, I’m having a hard time believing this fully right now. But I have to keep trusting and keep praying, “I believe…but help my unbelief”.
I’ve had some really important conversations lately and I’m thankful for the beautiful truth-tellers in my life who remind me. It’s ok for me to be heart-broken over this. It’s ok that I’m not joyful today. It’s ok to feel like my faith isn’t strong right now and that I don’t have to hold it all together. It’s ok to say, ‘yes…I feel like I’m in a wilderness”.
I struggle with grieving – I think because I’m often comparing my broken-ness to others’. In my mind I tell myself, “yeah this is hard…but it’s nowhere near as hard as….. (fill in the blank: human trafficking, slavery, homelessness, dying of a curable disease with no one to help, etc., etc.) But my friend pointed out that I would never sit across from a friend or someone with tears of suffering and say, “yeah…well that’s not as bad as….” And she’s right. I only do that to myself.
Why is it so hard to allow ourselves to feel the pain of suffering? I think especially as a Christian, we might believe the lies that “you should be joyful always….your suffering is not important because you have Jesus who suffered, you should be grateful for what you do have and bring your pain into perspective…” Even Jesus would say this is a huge lie that needs to be tossed to the wayside. Jesus wept over the suffering of his loved ones. He kneels down beside the broken and cries too. Not because He is hopeless, but because He is Love.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43
I have much more to say about all of this, but it will need to come out in waves. I hope that somehow, this all will be an encouragement to someone out there. Maybe someone will find this who is in a similar place, and needs the reminder that IT’S OK. We don’t have to have it all together. We don’t have to be sad and quickly get over something. Pain is pain – and it all matters to the God who is Love.
Thank you all for your kindness and patience to me during this time. It’s been hard. Really hard. And lately I’ve wished I could hide in a cave for a few months until we can “figure this out”. I’ve also wished I could run away to a far off land and disappear for awhile. I then I wished that I could just show up to work somewhere and come home and get paid, rather than run my own business and make things happen through all of this. To in the name of honesty and authenticity, I just wanted you to know. Thanks to those who have prayed and continue to do so. We are so grateful.
With love and gratitude,